LET THE BOYS CRY TOO.

I am delighted to have touched a lot of people, who read my last blog, "A Loud and Clear Voice." I received a lot of comments and suggestions and I am very thankful for the responses that I received. I am sure my words  did not hurt, they only made my reader sit up and take stock of the situation around him/her. If each one of us becomes aware and helps improve the situation, then the next generation will have every reason to be thankful to us for having left the world a better place.

All of us take so many things for granted, that a lot of subtle hurts, insults, humiliations become a part of our life. Inadvertently a lot of patterns get set in our everyday life that majority of us do not even feel the pinch that we are either causing or receiving.

About forty years ago, I was posted as a Junior Officer in the bank in Chandigarh. A male officer and I were posted as Field officers and sat on the first floor of the huge sprawling building. We both had desks next to each other. On a particularly tiring day both of us  were looking forward to going home and waiting for the clock to tell us that it was time to go home when my colleague said,

"Oh I am so tired today. I will go home and rest after a good cup of tea. I am sure my wife will have made some pakodas(vegetable fritters) too."

A light bulb suddenly switched on in my head and I discovered how everything was so different for him and me.  I too would go home, prepare tea for my parents in law, my husband and myself, then make sure that my children drank their milk without fuss and then went out to play in the park infront of my house. After that I would prepare the dinner for everyone, lay the table, pick up after everyone,  tidy up the kitchen and only then catch up on that much needed rest.

Although much water has flown down the Ganges in the last forty years, and a lot of attitudes have since changed, yet even today I  see a number of girls leaving their jobs to bring up their children. It does make me wonder why it is always a woman who takes a break to look after her children, why does a man never take on the role of a stay at home dad? I have seen very qualified girls from the best Institutes taking a back seat in life.  The mind set that women are softer, and more caring, needs to be examined de novo. According to me soft touch, mother's instinct, nurturing capabilities of women are much hyped abilities. Can a man not be caring and soft? Are they really devoid of feelings or are they just encouraged to maintain a macho image? I have seen more men cry in movies then women. Perhaps in the darkened movie theatre they are able to vent out their pent up emotions easily. Why are we so unfair to men? Why do we not allow them to express their emotions?

I believe that a man can be as kind, considerate and caring of his children if he is given the responsibility.  The fact remains that women's position is always secondary in our society and a movie like "Ki and Ka" which has role reversal as its theme is seen with a lot of trepidation. Here I can cite my own example. When my children were small and would wake up at night, it was always my husband who would attend to them and never wake me up.

In London where my daughter lives, I used to go to pick up my grand daughter from school on some days and saw a few men also come to pick up their children. The mothers sometimes would get together for coffee and one of the fathers would always join in at the mother's coffee do. He was a stay at home dad who looked after his two children while his wife pursued her career full time. In western societies I have seen very close cooperation and sharing of all domestic chores as there is no demarcation of your task and my task.  It is always common work which is performed by either spouse on different days. I do fervently hope that this trend catches on here too and we have more men coming up to take on the role of a caring parent along with sharing of domestic work.

 A lot of people have said that women are the worst enemies of their own kind. I totally agree with them.  It is a mother who is the first teacher of her children.

It is a mother who tells her little son when he cries,

"Don't be a sissy. Why are you crying like a girl?"

"Are you a girl? Why are you crying?"

"You are a boy, boys don't cry. Boys are strong."

A little girl is never told to stop crying with any analogy.

Why on earth can a boy not cry? Why do we have these set patterns? What is wrong in crying?

Boys as well as girls feel hurt, sad, pained, insulted and humiliated.  Why should the reactions not be the same for boys and girls? Why should the boys control their tears and hide their feelings? Teach both boys and girls to control their tears if at all you think that tears must be controlled.  Personally I believe that one need not control tears, let them be shed if it relieves you of some hurt and pain.

Is it not time that mothers and fathers thought about what they are saying to their children?

This is how the seeds of inequality get sown in the minds of the little children who are exposed to this verbal abuse. Yes, I have used the word "abuse" because this is how we are instilling some set patterns of inequality in the minds of very unbiased young people. 

A very topical event about inequality right now is the Karwa Chouth fast that just got over.  This is a women oriented fast and is often a mother in law enforced fast. Thanks to movies and TV serials more and more women from all over the country have become aware of this basically North Indian festival and this year I saw a number of young ladies from Bengal and Maharashtra observe this fast. This is a fast that women keep for the longevity of their husband.

The latest generation  of girls  in big cities, I believe is highly educated, emancipated and evolved. They pursue complex careers, live independently and yet practice this fast. Does anyone actually believe that keeping this fast helps increase longevity of their husband? Really?

Some of the girls I spoke with are eternal romantics, who see something beautiful and filmy about being that loving and caring devoted wife who wants to keep a fast and adorn lovely clothes and jewellery to remain in touch with her Indian traditions by keeping a fast in a fast changing modern world. They perhaps want to simply  clutch on to some colourful romantic moments with old world charms.

I say keep the romance alive but please do not believe that your fast will actually increase the life span of your husband. I personally believe that some traditions and rituals need to be relegated as they actually demean the status of women, and it is in the interest of women to ensure that we create a free and fair world for the next generation of girls who are going to grow up to be women of the future in an equal and fair world unburdened with the task of ensuring the longevity of her husband, where no one takes on anything for ensuring her longevity.

Women  of all strata and from every set up, be it rural, urban or metropolitan, are exceptionally gifted people. They are born managers and their skills need to be studied and harnessed. Women can balance out and manage their time without any  external inputs. They are exceptionally capable as at any given time  they can cook, watch over the home work of the child, provide tea to her husband, listen to the school stories of the children with patience and also listen to the woes of the husband who just wants a sounding board who will give him no advice. No advice? True, no advice, as a wife is seldom treated as an intellectual who can give correct advice. There are exceptions of course.

This is a very stray example but I have heard this many times. If a wife says,"Lets go see X movie, I have heard it is very good."

The husband disregards it until one fine day he comes back from work and says,"Get ready quickly, we are going to see X movie, my friend XYZ has said that this movie is very good."

Well men and women who are emancipated and care, please do instil a sense of equality in all the children in your house.

Let boys and girls be equal. Let them know that they are equal. Teach them the same standards, arts and crafts, cooking and cleaning. Teach them that they are caring and nurturing people. They are all soft and kind. If a girl loves rough sports encourage her and if a boy loves cooking please encourage him. If a boy loves to play with dolls so be it, if a girl doesn't want to play with dolls let her be. Let there be no macho image and no fair and lovely. Let them grow up in a beautiful world which has a place for everyone. Let them claim their own space as they wish to.

A LOUD AND CLEAR VOICE.

I recently watched three movies in a row, all were women centric. Two were in Hindi and one was an English movie, "Pink", "Parched" and "The girl on the train" respectively. All three were about the exploitation of women and how the women tried in their own way to deal with the issue.

I also watched and heard the speech of Michelle Obama as well as of Donald Trump Junior, both again about women and their exploitation.

The rise of women and the empowerment of women to be more vocal and come out in the open and talk about the pain and indignity that they have suffered is a matter of surprise to a number of people.

I have seen a lot of men voice their concerns and wonder why women are now coming out in the open about having had to face harassment at the hands of Trump. They wonder why were these women silent for so long.
I did not hear these questions asked when a number of people suddenly came out about their being sexually assaulted by BBC's Jimmy Savile.

I wonder if all those men who laugh at women, make jokes about them and are surprised by the women coming out in the open, have ever thought about how those women may have felt when they were being subject to such harassment. How demeaned and helpless those women may have felt. How they may have stifled their screams and their desire to expose those men. If they had complained then would anyone have believed them? Would anyone make sure that they received justice? As it is this world is ruled and controlled by men and talking about such exploitation would never be taken in the right spirit.

Women who have risen very high in the Corporate world by their dint of hard work and excellent performance are often spoken about quite shabbily. I have heard it said in a demeaning manner with a sneer, "Arundhati Bhattacharya is trying to become the MD and COO of the World Bank", as though it is something she should not aspire for. When a man aspires for the same post, people do not sneer. I wonder why this does not surprise me!

 It appears as though the working world is divided in two groups. The efficient men and the conniving women. 

Women have always been given a secondary role in their house and they are never the controllers of their families. They may be the primary earning member, sometimes the only earning member and yet they have to take  a step back and allow the male ego to be pampered to maintain peace in the family. The man's ego has to be fed or else the grown up baby sulks, mopes and makes life generally very miserable for the entire household. The woman simply has to handle this situation with tender care and patience. Men have never got used to playing second fiddle in their house.

This pattern is not restricted to any particular area, it is  an universal phenomena and the same rule applies to rural, urban, or metropolitan areas and it cuts across all classes of society too. 

Most men find it hard to believe that women are not able to break out of this stereo typical image of being battered women. Battering does not have to be physical. It can be emotional as well as mental.  

One has heard of girls and young women being molested in their own houses by their male relatives, where sometimes their mother either does not accept that her daughter is telling the truth or looks the other way as she does not have the courage to bring this atrocity to light. The reasons for hiding this crime may be many and quite diverse too. 

Another problem is that many people still believe that girls and young women invite such assaults by their sense of dressing. Why should a girl have to take care of her dressing lest she tempt a man to take advantage of her? Is she not allowed freedom to choose what she  can wear? Is it not a problem of the man who is leering at her? 

Just as in the movie Pink, three girls live away from their homes for the sake of convenience, today there are many young working girls and students who stay away from home. These girls do get branded as more freedom loving. It is often presumed that they are not very prudish and would be willing to go to any extent for the sake of fun.

I say if the girl is willing then there is no problem, but why on earth should it be taken for granted that the girls are asking for the attention of the people of the opposite sex?

About forty years ago, I was posted to a branch in Chandigarh and stayed alone on the second floor of a house. The land lord and land lady stayed on the first floor. The house was very safe.  Every weekend I would travel to Delhi where the rest of my family stayed. One weekend I stayed back and was very surprised to have a visitor on Sunday afternoon. The person was a colleague from the department where I worked. I asked him what brought him to my house.

He said,"I thought you must be lonely, so I would give you company in the afternoon."

I actually could not believe my ears. What business did he have to come to my house uninvited?

Who asked him to come and give me company?

I lost my temper and asked the fellow to leave and never come back again.

There are many such predators amongst us waiting to pounce on single women who would be living alone for a multitude of reasons.

Even after forty years I do not see much difference in the attitude of most people.

The patriarchal society that we live in has given men unlimited powers. They can say anything, do anything, shout, mope, control and batter women without the women having any recourse to justice and a right to live with dignity.

Equality is one right which exists only on paper. There is no equality in the real world. 

I have known a family where the husband insisted that one person in the family must have the power to take a decision in all matters.  As soon as this power is given to one person, the other person automatically has to become inferior as the right to dissent, to have a different opinion is taken away. One just has to fall in line and agree to the diktats of the decision making authority.

One scene in the movie Parched which I may not be able to forget easily is when a married girl runs away from her house and comes back to her parental home. The Panchayat decides that she is bringing a bad name to the village and so she must be sent back. Much against the desire of the parents the girl is forced to go back.  Before being taken away the girl asks her mother to let her stay as she is routinely being raped by her brother in law. The mother does not relent, then the daughter cries that even her father in law rapes her. Yet the mother does not listen to her pleas and pushes the girl into the waiting vehicle and sends her daughter away.

This is the reality of a lot of hapless, helpless girls who have to face such atrocious behaviour from the male members of their own family. It is also the sad story  of hapless mothers who cannot help their daughters because they do not have the courage and wherewithal to go against society.

The mindset of everyone needs to change. The dignity of women can be maintained when each one of us stands up against exploitation. Each one of us must respect women and treat them as equals. Neither superior nor inferior, simply equal. Please do not deceive women by saying that we are putting you up on a pedestal. Please let the woman stand next to you on terra firma in her own space. No pushing, no jostling please. Let them be, let them grow, let them blossom.
Respect and equality must be taught from childhood. Respecting the privacy of a person and her choice needs to be practiced. A woman is not a thing. She is an individual, a person, a human being.
Men are because of her, she is not because of men.

Remember a man is physically strong above the torso but in the lower torso a woman is physically very strong.