What's in a name??

These days I am visiting my son and daughter in law at Nashua in United States of America. They are both involved in a lot of activities therefore we meet a lot of people during some function, get together or party.
Invariably I am asked if I am Jharna's mother. The moment I say I am her mother in law, often the other person says, "Oh but a mother in law is like a mother only".
 After hearing this statement more than once, I began to wonder why this defensive statement had to be made. Is being a mother in law not enough, do I have to step into the shoes of someone else?
All of us in this world are related to a lot of people. The relationship may be good, bad or ugly, but the fact remains that we are related. No mother can name one of her children as her favourite. One cannot actually know if one has a favourite brother or sibling. That sort of a question never arises when we talk of our parents. We cannot say or decipher if we love one parent more than the other. This simply means that love is unfathomable. You can have affection and love for a lot of different relationships. If we love someone from our nuclear family, when an addition is made by way of a marriage, it does not diminish the love for the other original members. Does it?
Why then this justification that you as a mother in law are as good as a mother? Can I not be a mother in law and not be judged for my relationship? These distinctions and lack of understanding or rather inherent fear is all created by us... deliberately.
We all need to start accepting that everyone in this world generally wants good and happy relationship with everyone else. All of us want to live happily and peacefully.  All of us keep on making new friends and also keep on adding to new relationships as we go on in life. Why begin with fear for a monster-in -law? Oh dear ! Did I just write that? Even I, with all my pontificating...still have the fear deeply enshrined in my own being??
Nevertheless, I, a mother in law of two outstanding people of this world, need to be accepted for what I am and not for trying to fit into the shoes of someone else!

Remembering N G Uke on his 88th Birthday.

Memories come flooding back on certain dates. Our calenders are reminders. There are specific dates when we remember people, incidents and events. We celebrate those particular days, we put aside some time to reminiscence and talk about our memories, on those specific days.

People in our life move on, some move away, and some go away from the world. All of them who matter, continue to live on in our memory. Although each person leaves an indelible mark on our lives, yet there are some who mean much more to us. A parent is one such entity to whom we owe our life. Then we owe our living, our way of living, our style, our philosophy, attitude, thoughts, beliefs and understanding of life and its situations, also to them

A parent willy nilly teaches us to eat, walk, sleep and everything else that is needed for us to step out into the world. They also mould everything else without any specific effort. We just grow into those moulds.

We all grow up in the shadow of the personality of our parents. A lot of thoughts get engrained on our minds.

My dad was one such giant of a man who left an absolutely indelible mark on me. The first mark that he left was that I was equal to everyone else. In my world and culture a girl is always treated as the inferior  sex. Even the great Manu who compiled rules of behaviour for Hindus has said that Dhol, chamar, pashu, nari, yeh sab tadaan ke adhikari. This means that the Dhol(percussion instrument), cobbler, animal and women  have the right to be beaten.

What can one then expect from a country where these rules of conduct were laid down?

There have been many social activists who tried to break free of these shackles. Leaders like Raja Ram Mohan Roy, and people from Brahmo Samaj of West Bengal tried to introduce the entity and then the equality of women. Raja Ram Mohan Roy managed to get Suttee abolished from India. Widow remarriage also was introduced and widows were allowed to at least live after the death of their husbands!

A lot of other social thinkers tried to remove the bane of Untouchability. Jyotiba Phule, Dr. B R Ambedkar were protoganists in this area. Practice of untouchability is an inhuman practice which only those who have faced this discrimination, can understand. One could be outstanding, be meritorious and yet face the wrath of the general public as one would be  branded as belonging to the Untouchable or Scheduled caste.

Life in India is not easy. One is not free. We are bound by too many do's and dont's.

In this kind of a society, I saw my father wage a lone battle. He tried to tell people that all people are equal. He always advised women to wear slacks.He said it was decent, easy to walk in and gave us freedom of movement. A saree is usually a very restrictive attire. Running to catch a bus, walking up stairs,walking down escalaters, a woman has to look after her saree or she can easily trip and fall. Now I see most youngsters have adopted this easy, smart,comfortable attire.

Daddy would always shake hands with everyone. He did not appreciate anyone touching his feet. That was another way of subjugation, he said. For dad everyone was equal to him. Women would often shy away from shaking hands, because in our culture women do not allow men other than their husbands to touch them. I say why do we have such thoughts? Why do we think of nothing but the worst? Can a man not be a human being and just a human being? Does he always have to have undesirable thoughts? Are these restrictive thoughts not engrained in the minds of women, making them people who cannot trust anyone?

Religion, beliefs, superstitions, get engrained in our minds from childhood. With our restrictive practices we confine the minds of children to our specific beliefs. We do not encourage questioning of any belief. We tell our children to simply obey what we tell them to do. A questioning child is seldom appreciated as we ourseles do not know the answers to many of our beliefs, We simply followed them blindly and expect our children to do the same. Here again my father encouraged questions, arguments, reasoning and debate. We were never asked to believe without understanding. Dad's motto was "Atta Deep bhava" or be your own light. This is from the teachings of Gautama the Buddha who had told his followers not to believe everything he said just because he had said it, but to believe it only if they understood and agreed with the thought.

My dad believed that we have only this one life. There was no past life and no future life. All that we have is this life. We live once and therefore need to live well. We are neither punished for the sins of a past life nor will we benefit by any acts of this life in the future. All punishments and rewards are what we experience in this very life. Live well, help people, be happy and always be willing to teach people.

The words lucky, fortunate and destiny were taboo in his presence. He said that the moment we start using  these words, we start believing in someone else being at an advantage and then we automatically lose hope and do not give our best efforts. We start believing in destiny and give up working towards achieving our goal. We would have already lost half the battle as we would go into that state where we would think of inequality and the dice being loaded in favour of someone else. Preconceived notions and regressive thoughts found no place in his life.

His thinking and teaching was much ahead of his times.

He was a  positive thinker who believed only in himself. He was a  person who had extreme compassion for everyone. He was  kind, considerate and extremely rational. He was a person who went out of his way to help anyone or everyone without any hope for even getting a thank you!

That my friends was my father. I always remember him with a lot of pride, affection and regard.

Zindagi....there is no encore!

A beautiful winter morning!

Life is lived only once. This life is mine and I am my own master. What I do with it, is for me to decide. I can always look at the half filled glass with sorrow as I do not have a full glass, or feel happy about having a half glass. The choice is mine.
Every day is bright, beautiful and a new opportunity to live the day fruitfully, yet I, like everyone else categorise my days as different days of the week and condemn Monday and look forward to Friday. Actually, every day is the same. A weekend is a time for rest, recuperation, stocking up for the week and clearing the clutter piled up during the week. Weekdays are for earning my living. It is the time to be spent for being innovative, creative, organising, moving forward in my organisation, puling up people, getting pulled up, and so on and so forth.
A child has to learn, youth has to develop skills, adults have to work and retired people have to find ways and means to be heard by all the busy people of the world. Each person has his own goal to pursue.

A busy peacock!...showing off

After a number of years of studying then working, one fine day I retired from my job. I had then wondered what life had in store for me. From a fully disciplined, regimented life I was suddenly going into a world where I was the master of my own time. There were no schedules, no one to whom I would be answerable. No one watching over me and assessing my performance!
So when this time arrived I had to calm myself down and accept that now onwards I would have to decide how my day would be spent.
The evening of the day that I retired I left for a small vacation to Agra. I am fond of History and looking at the Taj has always been a happy experience for me. I therefore spent two days at Agra and came back home knowing that henceforth mornings were no longer going to be rush, rush, rush.
From then onwards life  became smooth. I started enjoying my days, my life and learnt that there is a life beyond the Bank where I had spent thirty years of my life.
Travelling, being with my children, enjoying my time with my grand children became another facet of my life.
I wrote short stories for children, I started writing about life, my travels, my family and even tried my hand at poetry.
As there was no one assessing my capabilities, I took to all these activities like a duck to water. If someone liked to read what I wrote, I was happy, if they did not like it then I tried to improve. There was no competition, no judgement, no rat race. I was simply in an exploratory stage. I kept exploring the different opportunities available to me. I kept reaching out to new things, just learning, trying and honing my skills.
I now love my independence. I love every day of my life. Every morning I wake up with a new anticipation. Every day I look forward to happiness. Being human, sometimes I too have my sad moods, but then I get hold of my thoughts and turn them around to become happy. Just like in a smiley face vis a vis a sad face with an upturned curve of a smile versus a downward curve of a sad face!

View from my window in Autumn or Fall as they say in USA.

I have decided not to allow anyone to sadden my day. No one will have the power to make me depressed. I am master of my day of happiness.

I do not believe in fate, destiny, or karma. I decide here and now what my day and time will be like. Nothing is fore told or written in my bhagya. I go along with time and try to make the most of it.
Having said that, let me share with you my latest adventure. I am now trying to overcome my fear of water. I have always dreaded boating and rowing. I could never swim.  This latest venture of course has not been out of my own volition. During my annual visits to London every summer, I would accompany my grand children to the swimming pool. I mustered enough courage to buy a swimming suit and would sit like a beached whale on the side of the pool. One day my six year old grand daughter came to me and said, "Nani, hold my hand, come inside the pool, it's not scary." This got me thinking. I decided to get over my fear of water. It has taken me two years, but I have taken a decision to learn swimming.

Life is a celebration!

It is an effort,  a tremendous one, but with encouragement from my children, and the constant support and guidance of my grand daughter, I have started taking lessons! I am on the way, and am soon reaching my destination! Life...I meet you with pleasure...always!