They say marriages are made in heaven. What is heaven, or rather where is heaven? I guess our home is our heaven. In India marriages are fixed. As soon as a girl or boy comes close to the marriageable age, the parents start frantic search for a proper match. Parents are responsible for fixing up a proper match, considering all the associated factors that are needed to be seen. The background of the family, the educational qualification, job prospects, or financial stability of the groom is usually ascertained. The house and living standard of the family is seen and after a lot of deliberation and consideration, a match is fixed. A girl is usually told to make sure that her marriage works. A few words of wisdom are imparted to her, to obey and respect elders, to adjust with the new family, and so on and so forth.
A girl trustingly enters a new house, a new family and a new relationship, where she is totally on her own. She is unaware of their customs, systems, behaviour patterns. She has to learn everything about her husband, his family and adjust. The operative word here is ADJUST.
In spite of best efforts made by the bride, sometimes marriages fail. The sad story in India is that a girl is always told to try and keep trying to make her marriage work. The entire onus for making a marriage work is on her. Even if life becomes too miserable and sad for the bride, the option of divorce is seldom thought of. It is considered a stigma to be divorced. A girl has to think ten times before she can speak about her problems with her own family. Once she speaks with them, after much deliberation once again she is advised to go back and try to adjust. Quite often, parents are worried about the younger siblings and their marriage prospects, which could be jeopardised due to a divorce in the family. Financial implications too are a major issue. Even if the girl is working and financially independent, she normally goes back to live with her parents, as she needs the emotional support and security that goes with it. Indians still frown upon girls who are divorced. A divorced man goes scotfree and within no time gets married a second time. A divorced girl is usually so scarred and pained that she takes a much longer time to get out of her grief. She takes a much longer time to get back to normal and lead her own life. Thinking about a second marriage is very far from her thought.
If there are children then, even if life is extremely miserable for the girl, leaving the matrimonial home becomes even more difficult. A woman is basically a home maker, even if she is the major bread winner, it is she who makes sure that her children are cared for, get a proper meal, and everything else that is needed to make life comfortable for the child. The men, particularly in India don't even THINK that they have any role to play in taking care of the needs of the children. Children are always the responsibility of the mother. There will be very few men who would have changed the diaper of their baby. It is a common thing for fathers to call out to the mother to come and clean the baby. She also doesn't think twice before doing the needful. A woman is responsible for just about EVERYTHING. The husband may be a person who does not earn, sits at home all the time, yet he is considered the poor thing. No thought is given to why he has become the "poor thing". Because the wife is responsible and will not take chances, so she struggles with home, work, children and the ego of her husband. Where she is and what she is undergoing is never thought of by anyone. Where that person with desires and dreams of her own has disappeared-no one even pauses to think about it. The woman is to blame to some extent-why did she let herself get lost, why did she try to love others more than her own self? Why did she let others take her for granted?
Even if the husband has an affair with a woman less than half the age of his wife, the wife is expected to take it in her stride. Like the sacrificial lamb she actually submits to this too-again for the sake of her children. Even if the husband is totally irresponsible, gives her grief due to his own insecurities, it is the wife who is expected to support him overcome his difficult time!! Even if the husband remains out for nights, she is expected to keep quiet and manage her home-again for the sake of the children!
Who will think about that girl, who gave up a secure family to marry a stranger. That girl who thought of making a home with a total stranger, fitting in with strange ways and strange habits. The one who changed her name to fit in with a new family. She had dreams, aspirations, hopes....who will think about all those shattered hopes. Why is she solely responsible for making a home? Why is she solely responsible for keeping the marriage intact? Why does she have to go on forgiving? Turning a blind eye to indiscretions of her husband?
When will we start teaching our daughters to remember that they are equal to men? They can have their dreams and aspirations. They have a right to live happily. They are equally responsible with their husband to make a home. The onus is not on her alone. Will we be able to teach our daughters that they are individuals who have a right to be happy. A girl must learn to respect her own self and love her own self. Whatever she does, must be for her own happiness. Will that day dawn when our daughters will be able to come back holding their head high, as they have kept their dignity intact, and have walked away from a marriage where there was no respect and love. A divorced girl has to remember that she is loved, cared for and important for her family. An irresponsible, dishonest husband, is not worth crying over. She has to start loving her own self all over again, more than she loved her husband. She has to start afresh. Life is short. It is time to look at the brighter side of life and start living, wherever you may be. We only have one life-live it to your heart's content. Nobody on this earth is worth the pain divorced women give themselves.
An irresponsible father is not better than no father. Women can bring up their children single handed too. An irresponsible husband can never be a responsible father. An irresponsible husband is so used to having his own way in everything, he is selfish and dishonest-can one expect a child to learn anything from such a father?
1 comment:
Why is this blog limited to Indian middle class women? It is the same thing the world over. The only difference is that in most of the western world the women have a choice of their partners. But there are just as many marital discords, disharmony and violence in the rest of the so called 'civilised' world as in our country....... I am sic of seeing the news and other tv channels which are full of this and also child abuse. No, its not that.... its the faliure of the woman as Mothers. As Mothers we fail to instil a sense of discipline, values, norms of behaviour, gentleness and kindness in our sons. We pamper them until they forget that they also have to live and share this Earth with others.... Or maybe the genetic condition of the cave days still dominate when men had to forcibly take a woman for procreation... And we say Man has civilised??????
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