MANNERS

One often comes across people who appear to be quite obnoxious, irritating and uncouth, in a group. It is their behaviour which leaves a bad taste and a feeling of annoyance.Bad manners and bad behavior of a person shows his lack of concern for others. A careless attitude and pattern makes it obvious that the person does not care for the discomfort that he may be causing to others.

It is strange to see that children of the same family, brought up by the same set of parents, educated in the best schools, seem to have such diverse temperaments and behavior patterns.While one child may be very sophisticated, another may be very crude. Good manners and good breeding shows. Bad manners and bad behavior disturbs.

There are a lot of things one notices in one's daily life. Making a loud noise while sipping tea is one very common practice that I have observed. The tea drinker really seems to be relishing his tea, but the slurping noise definitely does not sound good.Talking with the mouth full of food is another habit, which I find so very uncouth. One gets to view all that half chewed food, which also could easily fall out of the mouth.What is the hurry, I wonder. There is enough time to finish food and then talk. Surely,people will still be willing to listen, once the food is finished. I wonder if this habit develops in people who belong to large families where some children never get a chance to speak.In olden times, in India there was a rule that while food was eaten, no one was allowed to talk. Food was eaten in silence. There was also a ritual attached to eating. A pattern was set which was religiously followed. This pattern need not be followed in this day and age, as now people like to talk over food and dinner time is usually the time when the whole family gathers together to communicate with each other. Yet, following simple manners like not talking with the mouth full would be a good practice to follow.

Some people also have this habit of interrupting people when they are talking. The interruptions appear so very childish, and unnecessary. Yet people with these idiosyncrasies are never able to understand the importance of talking only when their turn comes. Waiting, is a rare virtue. Again perhaps, this may be in people who do not get a chance to speak at home.

In India spitting, blowing the nose without using a tissue or hanky is very common. Scratching oneself uncontrollably is another horrible habit.Not waiting for one's turn also leads to road rage as one is always wanting to rush in without patience. Rushing in where there is no place leads to chaos, further jams and further anger, fury and more rage.

Teaching good manners in childhood is very important. A child is innocent and learns mostly by copying. They also learn whatever we teach them. There is a proper way to eat, to drink, to talk, to walk, to live. If only children are taught proper manners in their learning years, good habits will remain with them for life. A well behaved child is a delight to be with. Letting them grow without proper pruning and training will lead to wayward development and growth, which may not be in the best interest of the child. Just as a beautiful garden has to be well planned with proper colour combination and layout to make it eye catching, a child also has to be groomed keeping all aspects in mind. When plants are allowed to grow at random the complete effect is often not the best.

Waiting for one's turn, in line, is the best policy to adopt. It leads to discipline, which encourages patience, which further helps us to have concern for others. We learn to respect the other persons needs. We learn to understand that every person ahead of us has also waited for his turn and deserves to be able to get served before us. In a queue, in a shop, a bus stop or wherever, people impatiently jostle one another. They push, try to overtake, come in the middle and break the queue. Somehow it never seems improper to them. I have noticed that people abroad, never ever break a queue. They maintain proper distance from the person ahead of them. They allow a person some personal space. No one touches the other, and there is absolutely no question of pushing. They all get served and served well. No one is ruffled and there are no frayed tempers.Teaching our children to wait for their turn patiently is a virtue which will take us forward on the path of progress happily.If we teach our children to talk when it is their turn to talk, they will learn to respect those ahead of them. They will learn that we are all equal, and have to wait for our turn, and that no one takes precedence over another.If good manners and behaviour is a pattern that is followed in routine, the lives of most people would be happier.

Greeting a person when we meet and wishing them well when we depart is also a very gracious thing to do. In Delhi I have observed that as soon as someone visits a house, the first thing done is to give the person a glass of water to drink. It reminds me of a very ancient tradition in villages when a guest's feet were washed as soon as they visited someone's house. Those were the days when people would walk and therefore washing the feet would provide solace to tired feet. Sharing food, and meals was also a common practice.

Personal space is an alien feature in our lives. We are always very busy prying into the affairs of others. There are a lot of people who follow certain religious cults or follow certain gurus. There are some who are devoted to their gurus to such an extant that almost all their time is spent in going for discourses and attending to their religious gatherings, functions and get togethers. Even if it appears disturbing to some, it is the personal choice of spending their time in these activities. Why should it hurt the sensibilities of another to such an extant that they keep prying and gathering information, and pass snide remarks. Every person should have the choice to spend their own time in the way that they choose.

A well behaved, cultured, polite, patient person shows his good breeding and class. One would have heard of the Lucknawi tehzeeb which was considered the best and they were considered the most cultured people in India. Even abusing someone in anger was polite. My husband tells of an incident when he had gone to Nakkhas area of Lucknow for some shopping. In an altercation he heard one person telling another, "Do not provoke me to such an extant that I may have to go into your genealogy." Of course this dialogue was in chaste Urdu..a very sweet language by itself. It is generally people of Nouveau riche families who lack grace, culture and polish. The reason is that they think that everything can be bought with money. They do not have time for patience and niceties.Time is money and they would rather earn money than wait patiently for someone to put their point forward in a flowery and beautiful language.Yet, good language, respect for others, patience, only shows good breeding and class.

Happiness is a package deal which usually comes with patience, compassion, concern, care and courtesy for our fellow beings.The world would be a much better place for everyone, if everyone has concern for their own family, their neighbours and everyone else that they meet in their lives.

TIMES ARE CHANGING!!ARE THEY??

I belong to that generation of people,who were born when the telephone was a black box with the receiver attached to the main body. We had to simply pick up the receiver, get connected to an exchange, ask for our number, and then talk to the person. Telephones used to be a rare commodity and few people had phones in their house. Making a long distance call was even more difficult, as there was no STD system. We had to book calls and wait for hours to get connected. A trunk call would normally last for 3 minutes, with the operator interrupting when the three minutes were over, and one could extend the call for another three minutes.The refrigerator used to run on kerosene and was owned by only a few privileged people. Everyone else had cupboards, called a meat- safe, with net all around, where milk etc. was stored. Food was generally consumed in the same meal and there would be no left over food. Frozen food, convenience food was unheard of. Every house had surahis for drinking cold water,and also earthen pots called "ghada".Water was boiled and passed through a clean muslin cloth and kept in a cool spot. Bottled mineral water was unheard of. RO system and UV system never existed.

Cars were a rarity. Very, very few people owned them. Cycles or buses were the normal mode of transport for people going to work. There would be roads full of people on their bikes with their tiffin carriers going towards office. Families would travel by bus or tonga or ekka.Tongas used to ply from Connaught Place to the New Delhi railway station till at least twenty years back. Then came the phatphati or 4 seaters.

There was nothing known as the microwave oven...there was no concept of fast cooking. In fact there were no pressure cookers too. Food was cooked on slow fire. It was cooked ritualistically. There were the common chulhas in every house and stoves in some houses, angeethis were also common. Cooking of dal was a long drawn process and usually the dals were kept on the angeethi in the night to keep simmering on the slow fire overnight.

Vacuum cleaners,washing machines and dish washers had not even been heard of. The local maid servant called mai, or mahri or bai was the cleaner, clothes washer as well as the dish washer. Ovens were available in houses which were more westernised as they baked cakes which was a rarity.

Celebration of birthdays of children was usually a real children's party. Food was prepared at home. The usual was sandwiches, made very lovingly and carefully. All the family members contributed, someone applied butter to the bread slices, someone chopped the cucumber, tomatoes, boiled egg, someone else filled the stuff and another person cut the sides and gave it shape with the diagonal cut. These were then wrapped up lovingly in a moist cloth to keep them fresh and cold. Samosas were bought, so was the gulab jamun, and also the cake, but pakodas were fried at home. Wafers would also be there, and the cold drink served would invariably be Orange squash. It was fun to organise the games and plan the party on your own. Pinning the tail on the donkey blindfolded, passing the parcel, musical chairs, were regular games played with great laughter and joy. When I see the professionally planned parties of today, I wonder if the joy of planning and executing your own individualistic party was better or is it better today, where you simply pay and enjoy the party as much as your guests do.

In those days the father was the head of the family, and his word was law.Parents ruled very firmly and "spare the rod and spoil the child" was the general dictum of every household. A mother would control her children by simply looking at them with anger. There was no question of answering back or arguing. All children came back home in the evening and there was no late night partying or stay over at a friend's place overnight.

TV was non existent and radio was the main source of entertainment. Radio Ceylon ruled and Jhumri Tillaiyya and Daltonganj were house hold names as most requests for songs came from there." Aap hi ke geet" was a hot favourite, and the grandest of all was Binaca Geet Mala, on Wednesday evenings from 8pm to 9 pm. Amin Sayani had honey dripping from his voice and the 16 paydaans were dutifully jotted down by us youngsters. The trumpet or bigul used to play for the sartaaj geet. "Forces Request", "A date with you" were great favourites for Western music. Akashvani and the news at nine in the evening with Lotika Ratnam, Surojit Sen, Melville D'Mello were never missed by the head of the family. All children had to keep quiet for those 15 minutes.

Going abroad was a real luxury and very few people managed to go out of the country on vacations. Today every other person has been abroad for a trip or two. Money now seems to be growing on trees. Leave Fare concession was given even then, but most people took it as an opportunity to go back to their village or town and spend time with their family back home. Now almost everyone goes to tourist places. I wonder how many children of today have visited their ancestral place of origin.

Times have changed, life has changed, values have changed. Phones particularly mobile phones are now extremely common. The day my local vegetable vendor game me his phone number and said that I could place my order on phone, was the day it dawned on me that times have really changed tremendously. Now even a part time maid servant owns a mobile phone, and also has a bank account.

However progress also means that no work seems to get done in due course. One has to either find a connection or grease some palms for getting work done.

There was a theft recently in my mothers house. We were advised by all and sundry, including the local police man not to lodge an FIR. We were told that we ourselves would suffer as we would have to present ourselves in the court whenever summoned. Secondly, even if our stuff was found, we would have to produce evidence of the stuff belonging to us, with purchase receipts. Some of the stuff that was stolen was a gift, most did not have receipts as one does not usually keep receipts of everything that is purchased. We took the advise, and did not lodge the FIR.

Later on a friend recounted that there had been a theft in his factory. He lodged an FIR and a few of his own workers were taken away for questioning by the police. These people after the questioning were in a bad shape. My friend wanted to take back the report, and close the chapter, but he could not do so. He is quite unhappy and disillusioned about the whole issue.

I was also told about a person whose gas cylinder had been stolen. The cylinder was found, but was not returned to him. Later he took it on "superdary". SUPERDARY is an expression for releasing property involved in a criminal case to a person. But, that was a cause of great sorrow for him, as on the days of court appearance, which were numerous, he had to always take the cylinder with him to the court. Court cases are long drawn out affairs and normally take decades to reach a conclusion. Getting dates and further dates is a common occurrence. Imagine the plight of these people, who suffered on account of a theft, and then having the audacity to report the theft, kept on being harassed for a number of years, by the system!

One thing however has remained a constant over all these years. The treatment of women, and the way they are viewed by the world, remains the same. When I was born, people said to my father,"Never mind, Laxmi has arrived. Next time you will have a son". My father had then replied that he was proud to have a daughter and people could congratulate him. I worked for 30 years in the best bank of India, The State Bank of India which I joined as a Probationary Officer. I had my own Pan Card, paid my own income tax, had my own investments etc, etc. Yet when a commercial call comes from some consultant, he invariably wants to talk with Mr. Varsha Nagpal!!Yesterday I met a travel agent and asked her to get me a Visa for a holiday. She said madam, we will need your husbands savings and investments and income tax returns. She, an employed lady, could not take it for granted that I could be having my own financial identity and standing!!This is the year Twenty Ten, for you. I wonder when this particular mindset will change!!Well.....never mind...maybe some day this too shall change!!! I only wish it is in my lifetime.

I have learnt a lesson that it is best to turn a blind eye to a lot of wrong doings, that one comes across almost daily. Sticking my neck out has actually landed me with a cut on my throat. I therefore wonder if all that we are taught in school, has any meaning and relevance in today's world. The world teaches us a lesson everyday. Sometimes I wonder if I am turning cynical, but usually I think that I am only becoming street smart and worldly wise!!

The photographs above are of my two brothers and me, in the same sequence, after a gap of umpteen years!!!!Absolutely priceless.