MY FATHER- N G Uke

On the 4th of November 2006, suddenly my whole world came crashing down in front of me. I knew it was inevitable but when I got the news that my father had died, I could not bear the news. I wasn't shocked, I was devastated. The person whom I had known my whole life, who was ALWAYS there guiding me, teaching me, helping me,scolding me, holding me in high esteem, the one who made me feel , as if I was the greatest, that person, was never going to call me again. I would never be able to hear that unique way in which he used to call me"Varshaaaa".

Could I live in a world where he was not going to be around. Whom would I turn to in moments of distress-emotional, financial, work related stress?

Who was going to make me feel that I was equal to or far superior than anyone else? He always had the greatest expectations from me and I always strived to come up to his expectations. I got a medal for Good Conduct in my school. I got two double promotions in school. I topped the University and was First Class First in Political Science (Hon's). I was a National Merit Scholar. I did meet his expectations academically

My whole personality was his gift to me. The way I conduct myself, my self confidence, my language, the way I handle problems, the way I look at other points of view, my tolerance and intolerance of different views, are all that I learnt from him. The importance of being earnest, the value of time, to be a visionary, to be an optimist, to be able to forgive, and to take life in it's stride, was all that I saw in him, and now I try to emulate. I am trying to walk on the path that he showed me.

My father was very much ahead of his times. When I was born, people came up to offer messages like, "Koi baat nahi, next time it will be a son", my father in return asked to be congratulated as for him a daughter was as important as a son. All my life, he was my ideal. I actually hero worshipped him. He was very idealistic, honest and always stood by his beliefs. He was extremely straightforward, and never minced his words. He would say what was correct, even if it hurt him too in some way. He never tried to please anyone.

He was a staunch atheist. He could never understand why people needed the crutches of blind faith, rituals and religion to live in this world. He believed religion had been created and allowed to flourish for the benefit of a few people.

Daddy was a strong believer in equality. No one was inferior, whether a boy, girl, or a different caste, class or creed. All human beings were equal. He would never get beaten in an argument on these subjects.

His wisdom, knowledge, analytical mind were par excellence. His thinking and crystal clear view of things, events and incidents were a treat to hear and read. He was a great writer. I used to be amazed at his command over the English language. He who had studied in a village school and a person from a rural background, whose parents were not educated, had such a beautiful command over the language, which I who had a convent school background, and also a voracious reader could not match. He loved collecting books. It was his passion to buy books.

A person who had gone on a Government of India scholarship to London to pursue the graduation course in Engineering, saved every penny that he could to buy books. When he returned from London after a stay of three years, he had an enormous collection of books. However due to his transferable job, he had to leave his collection in Nagpur, where they got destroyed. It was a great loss, as it was Love's labour lost.

Although a good collector of books, he seldom had time to read them. He took ages to finish a book, because he took pains to understand each and everything that had been written. The book would actually be studied in great detail, with all his red pen noting in the margin of almost every page. He could never read fiction. He always planned to read the books in his free time, which he never had. He was always busy. His mind was always preoccupied with his thoughts on how best he could uplift the people of his community.

He was always very particular about the language that we used in our daily life. It was important to always present a correct picture and never have confusing things to say. Be clear and use correct language. He always said that we should practice what we preach. He did not believe in blind faith, evil eye, superstitions, religious rituals, luck, rebirth or migration of soul. In his language he never used the words luck, fortunately or unfortunately.

He was always ready to greet a new day happily. He never wasted time. Everything was planned meticulously. He had a lot of work to do as he wanted the whole world to become rational and not live in the world of make believe of superstition and religion

I miss him every day of my life. One person whom I could implicitly trust, who never deceived. He was extremely devoted to the service of his people.

Losing a parent is a great tragedy, and if the person is of the stature of Mr. N G Uke, then the tragedy gets manifold. He had so much to do, he wished to do so much.I need to take up some of his unfinished task. I wish and hope that soon I will gather some courage and go through his papers. I am determined that I will try to finish at least somethings that my father wanted me to do. I will be courageous and try to do what best I can.

MY MOTHER

Whatever I am today is because of what my parents did for me. My mother planned my future, she wished the best for me. She gave up a lot of comforts so that I could have them. Right from my childhood when I must have given her all those sleepless nights, those torturous moments when I may have been sick, all those things which I took for granted - those were painful, anxious and of course joyous moments for my mother. She never recounted those moments to me, but now nearing the autumn of my life and seeing the winter of my mother in front of me, I wish to recount for all those who would care to read what my mother did for me. About my father, I will choose to speak on another day.

I know, every mother does things for her children - but then is it trivial? All those who are mothers or fathers will be able to appreciate and understand my feelings.

My father was in a government job, an Executive Engineer in Hirakud dam project- when the dam was being built. There were no schooling facilities or any semblance of a town too. I was sent to Cuttack the nearest city with a convent. I was hardly five years old. It was a burden on the pocket of my father, but my mother was adamant that I would get the best education. They had to put up with hardship so that I could be educated in a boarding school. When they left me, I happily went away holding the hand of the nun who took me in, I did not glance back - typical of children, then they came back the next morning to see if I was alright. The Mother Superior had told them that they could see me from outside but should not meet me, so they stood outside the gate near a tree to see me going into assembly. They saw me happy and went back to Hirakud with Sunil my brother who was a few months old then.

I was shifted with them when ever they were transferred, always close to the project area where daddy worked. I was always put in convent schools and was given the best of everything.
Soon when Sunil could go to school he too was put in St. Xavier's School - the best boys school in Bihar. How my mother managed in the very limited money that they earned, is for us to imagine. She had determination that come what may, her children would get the best education available. The dictum was that good education stands you in good stead. It is the foundation of a strong building. Her one regret in life was that she had not got higher education. It was by her choice, as she had been given the best opportunity by her father who was a very highly placed Civil Servant of British India.

I will never be able to thank my mother enough for opening the doors of education to me.

My mother was the pivot around which our family revolved. She was my fathers steady pillar. She guided him through thick and thin. Daddy always said that she had a lot of wisdom and as she was very well read she was very perceptive and could give the best advice. Daddy always sought her counsel and always abided by what she said. In her childhood and youth she had been in close contact with the wise Dr. B. R. Ambedkar, whose very close associate was my grand father Rai Sahab G T Meshram. With thinkers, and highly literate people around her she had gathered a lot of wisdom.

Because of our education expenses my parents were often financially strained. They could not save much. Daddy and mummy always thought that their best investment was in our education.
My mother had a lot of jewellery. She does even today - and her jewellery is really beautiful. I remember the number of times that the jewellery was in the bank as a loan had to be taken against it to meet the fee requirements of either Sunil or Ujjwal or me. It was very seldom that she had jewellery to wear. That was one security that came to her rescue time and again. That is the reason that even today she buys a lot of jewellery, so that in times of need she has enough.
Due to those days of never having enough money, never being able to splurge, she has developed the habit of saving, to the extent of it appearing as hoarding. She even had to sell her very expensive, classic brocade sarees made of pure gold zari for a pittance when one of her three children needed money. Life is a big teacher. One learns in the school of life from bitter and sweet experiences.

In spite of this, I don't remember even one day of stinginess. I was never refused anything that I wanted. I was taught the true values of life. I got the best to eat and the best to wear. I travelled in style. My life was groomed to be stylish and also to appreciate the good things in life.
As a young girl whenever I came home from the boarding school on vacations, I had to learn needle work, embroidery and knitting. I was told and taught to take responsibility to keep things back in place and to keep things looking good and pretty. Daddy used to say "a thing out of its place is kacchhra." Sunil has got this fetish for tidyness and loves to keep his house tidy and beautiful. I was also given this fondness for reading by my mother, who always asked me to read good books. She is a voracious reader. History is her favourite, and her memory is that of an elephants.

I never liked cooking. Mummy never cooked as we always had servants to cook, but she was a very good cook. Both my brothers got their culinary skills from her, as they both were fond of cooking. Daddy could only boil an egg and make good tea as far as cooking was concerned. I took after him, as we both used to call eating, "A necessary evil".

Mummy looked after my daddy very well. Once when he became very very ill in Bhurkunda, she sold her jewellery to buy medicines for him, which had to be brought from Calcutta. She used to send someone all the way to Cal from Bhurkunda to get the medicine. The power and need of money made her realise that saving was very important and having money is the ultimate. That is why she is very judicious in her spending. Never a miser, she is always very helpful. I will never forget those days, when she used to come to visit me bringing fruits, vegetables and provisions just like that. I can never forget all the times when she has been so very generous. She is thrifty but never a miser. Her table has always been laden with variety of food. She likes to eat good food. She always wants at least two vegetables in each meal.

Ujjwal, who used to fall sick at the drop of a hat was given the best of care and attention. Once when he got pneumonia he was kept in a nursing home which was way beyond their means financially, but well within their budget of their heart. Ujjwal was dressed in suits right from childhood as he needed to be kept warm. Mummy was always very paranoid about Ujjwal and took great care of him. He was not sent to a boarding school and went to St. Xavier's School in Ranchi.

Although mummy was from a very aristocratic family, she adapted very well with her in laws and went to the village and was very popular with all the people as she had no airs. She was instrumental in helping my kaka get college education, as well as Chandraprabha get school and college education. When Chandraprabha wanted to marry N. P. Kamble, it was my mother who supported her.

Although mummy was always very traditional minded, due to daddy's acute dislike for rituals, and traditions which took on the hue of Religion, mummy too adopted all the ways of daddy. There was no ritual carried out in our house. The only festivals we celebrated were Holi and Diwali, without the Puja. These were festivals which brought about happiness, so despite Daddy's disapproval mummy insisted on celebrating these festivals and here she had her way.

She went out of her way to help whoever she could. Her motto in life is that the family should stay together. The family members should continue to have love and affection for each other. Brothers and sisters should always have care and concern for each other. She always told us stories of her childhood, and always aspired for all her children to go to the heights of glory. She has strived all her life for it.
Even today, her main concern is unity of the family.
She who has cared for us, nurtured us, brought us up, made us what we are today is now in need of looking after. It is pay back time for me now.

COMMUNICATION

Although I thought a few days back that it is prudent to be cautious in communication with your near and dear ones, and not say things bluntly, I wonder if one is not honest, then one is bound to keep up pretences. Is it wise to keep pretences with those whom you care for? If someone is going the wrong way after considering all the alternatives, is it right for us to remain silent, so as not to hurt the person who has taken a wrong decision?

Family and close friends are those who care about us. If they maintain caution and do not point out our inaccuracy then how can one improve? It is interaction, feedback, discussion which allows a person to grow. When we talk and discuss we use the wisdom, and experience of the other person. Unless there is free flow, how can we gain from the other? Sugar coated pills camouflage bitterness-but the bitterness is actually there. Is it not better to freely and frankly discuss a matter threadbare, than to push it under the carpet and give a wrong impression?

Confusion toh hai utter!! What to do? What is the right approach, I have to really really clear my mind of this muddle.

It is not always possible to think and talk rationally. If a person is so in control of one's speech and action then that person is surely a saint. That person is not emotionally charged. Where a person is emotional then anger, outburst, frustration is sure to appear. Should a person become so detached as to always be unemotional, and rational? Will that behaviour not make me more of an unemotional and detached person? How does that look in the context of a family?

Always maintaining an artificiality in our behaviour to my mind is not good. If we only play act all the time, the frustration that we are hiding is sure to find an outlet somewhere, which may really be too big an explosion. Is it not better to clear little little differences of opinions and talk them over, even if that ends up in a fight? Should one always try to maintain harmony even at the cost of it tantamounting to deception. Is it better to smoothen out rough edges or better to steer clear and maintain a distance from your dearest ones?

Discretion

It is said that communication channels must never be closed. One must be honest, free and frank. One should be able to express one's thoughts, without inhibition. There must be transparency and honesty. All these values that one grew up with, seem to be outdated today.

In my day to day relationship with all the people who I meet and interact with, I have observed that I often shy away from saying my true thoughts. Often, I camouflage them, or avoid saying harsh truths. There is no need to tell a lie, but it is possible to avoid telling the truth too. This is not a new thing, even in Mahabharata one comes across the dilemma of Yudhishtir who uses the words, " Ashwatthama Hata, Narova kunjarova", to mislead the opposite warring faction.

Discretion is the better part of valour, they say.

Perhaps , in every relationship, one needs to maintain a certain amount of distance, discretion and diplomacy. I used to believe, that one needs to be very honest, in every relationship. I am now thinking that one needs to nurture every relationship, however close it may be. For nurturing it, perhaps, one can simply avoid being brutally honest.

One has to manage each relationship. No one can be taken for granted. Every person needs to be given their space. Each person has his or her own value system, with which we grow up. Each person's reaction to a given situation is bound to be different. There can be no hard and fast rules to what is right and what is wrong. Therefore, imposing my thoughts on others, is definitely not right. I have to be willing to accept differences of opinion, and respect the thoughts and decisions of others.

We are all here on planet earth, for a short while. It is therefore desirable to be happy and allow everyone else also to be happy.

Relationships demand a lot of adjustment, understanding, space, mutual respect, and above all diplomacy and discretion.